Lost

Cancer treatment is hard, as too many people know. Infusions every few weeks.
Radiation. The fatigue. The foggy brain. The loss of appetite.

But when I was undergoing treatment for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I was still
able to work. To volunteer. To garden. To sew and cook and be a mom.
I planned my daughter's Bat Mitzvah in the middle
of undergoing treatment. My last chemo infusion was just days before the big
event.

I was able to be "me" throughout the entire ordeal.

Treatment for Leukemia is another whole ball of wax.

Since being diagnosed in January, I have had to quit my job. Quit all volunteer activities.
During my long hospital stays, I had to hand over all mom-related activies to the Hubs
and other wonderful volunteers. I have had to rely on the kindness of other people to
keep my family fed. I have not had the energy to call or email or text friends.

I have had to give up everything, even temporarily, in order to pare down to my
core being.

Because that's how you get the strength to beat this thing. You have to let go of
everything that defines you in order to reach in deep so that you can overcome.
So that you can some day pick up the pieces again.

And that's where I am now. Trying to pick up the pieces. Out in the scary world of germs.
It's harder than I thought. I am still dealing with fatigue, both mental and physical. I
am still hooked up to Ivy for 2 hours a day. I am still a long way from "normal".

I am trying to find the energy to find out who I am.  Am I a cancer survivor? A cancer
patient? A transplant patient? A regular Mom who carpools and does all of that other
Mom stuff? A wife who can go out to dinner and a movie? Someone who can relax
and enjoy life? All of the above? None of the above?

I feel a bit lost right now. Just trying to get my feet back under me. Being allowed to
go out in public helps.  Believe it or not, wearing makeup helps. I feel less like a
patient with some lipstick on. The drudgery that is being a modern housewife now
gives me some joy. But I'm still not sure who I am anymore.

I'll feel like me sooner than later. But bear with me while I find myself again.
It may take a while. That's one thing I have learned throughout this ordeal.
Patience is King. Patience and perseverance. And I will persevere.