Surviving November

It is the best of months. It is the worst of months. November is coming.
I used to love November. Now, I'm not so sure.

The difficulty with November actually starts today, which is still October.
Today is the 18th anniversary of my father's death. It has been 18 years
since he passed. That is as long as it took him to raise me from an infant
to an adult. For some reason, this number is extremely sobering. It's a
very measurable length of time. After this lifetime of years, I still miss him.
I think he would have enjoyed my kids. I know he would have enjoyed his
retirement years. He was not a man to sit still. Ever. Always a trip planned. Or
something interesting to do - teaching, even though he was already a retired
principal; delivering flowers for the local florist just because it was fun; meeting
his friends for breakfast. He was even busy on the day he died, processing stamps
(he was a stamp dealer on the side) and watching sports on his tiny TV. His death
is very connected to November because the month is just barely into it's groove
when it's another Dad anniversary - his
birthday was November 2nd. I always thought it was a shame that he died before
he turned 61. Wish he could have held on just a few more days to get to his
birthday.

I just get over my dad's birthday when November 6th comes around. This was my
mother's birthday. And, to make it especially tough, it was also the day she found out
that her leukemia came back. First of all, her doctors had her birthdate all over her
charts. Couldn't they have let her enjoy her birthday and let her know the next day? This
still makes my blood boil. Secondly, I just got a bone marrow biopsy. The results will
be in before November 6th, but I just have an extra layer of anxiety. We were both
diagnosed with AML in January. Yes, I had a bone marrow transplant, and she did not
have that luck. Our diseases are not exactly the same. My health is not her health (keep
repeating that to myself), but the anxiety exists all the same.

More November Gloom: on November 21st, 3 years ago, I got a phone call from my good friend, Andrew, that completely changed my life - a routine CT scan showed that I had a mass
in my chest cavity. Which started this crazy merry go round journey that I am still on.

And lastly, I had a day last November when, for whatever reason, out of the complete
blue, I had a massive anxiety attack. So bad that I took a xanax and went to bed.
In the middle of the day. Something I don't ever do.
I asked my current oncologist when their best guess was of when my bone marrow went
awry. They really can't give an answer but probably in November. And apparently,
leukemia can send out receptors to the brain that can cause anxiety. Was this the day
things turned? I'll never know but it adds to the weight of November.

But here's the good stuff - November is the month the Hubs and I got married. And thanks
to my excellent doctors, my family, my sisters, my friends, my community, and
anyone else I may have forgotten, I am around to celebrate with him. And I totally
appreciate each and every anniversary we spend together. And I plan to be around for
many, many more.

November is also the month of my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving. What is better than
a day when you come together with those you love to eat and give thanks. Not much.
I plan my menu for months. I plan my table setting even longer. I do my best to make it an
Event every year.

And this year, I will do my best to try to minimize the anxiety that comes rolling in with
the new month, and to focus on what I'm thankful for. This list this year is too large to
even put into words. But please know that I am thankful for every one of you that has been
with me and my family throughout this harrowing journey. I'm still here. I will be here
for a long time. Thanks to all of you.