Relapse

As many of you who read this blog know, I have had some difficulties with
my blood levels for several months. After a slew of tests, including two
bone marrow biopsies, the doctors finally found the elusive leukemia lurking
in the shadows.

My first question to my doctor was could this have been prevented. How did this
happen? My sister's marrow never grafted to 100%. It got as high as 99% in the fall
when I was feeling great. No one knows what caused my platelets to go awry. It
was not the disease then. But over the past four months, nothing at all has pointed
outright to a relapse. And even after this latest bone marrow biopsy, it took the
pathologist several extra days to find it.

Bottom line - this disease sucks. I hate it. I hate it with every single fiber of my
being.

So now what?

I go back into Penn on Thursday the 19th for another month long stay. I will start
chemo on Friday. Then, on April 30th, I will finally get my Blast of Brenda Booster™.
The docs are hoping that will help the transplant finally get up to 100% as well as
bring my numbers back to a normal range. The goal is to get out of the hospital in
a month.

IF the chemo works and kills all of the leukemia and IF the BOBB™ works and the
graft gets to 100%, then this can be a cure.

This is what I need from everyone out there - as many prayers, or good energy, or positive
thoughts as you can send me. I will be greedy and take it all.

And how am I doing? Right now, I am feeling
all of the "D"s:
    Despair
    Despondancy
    Disappointment
    Depression
    Depleted
    Deflated

I don't feel like a warrior right now. I don't feel strong. I feel like I want to put my head
under the covers and stay there until someone waves a magic wand and makes it all go
away.

But that's not how life works, is it? I still can't figure out why some people are hit with so
much and others are not. But this is the hand I was dealt. It's not fair. But I have to be
grateful for a good team of doctors and a possibility of beating this.

If anyone wants to help out my family, you can contact The Hubs. I'm sure gift cards to
Zoes Kitchen, Wawa, Dominos, etc, would be appreciated by him. He and the kids have
a month without me, so rides might be needed. Extra support and understanding for all of
them will also go a long way. This is hard on me, but it's hard on them too. Harder, I
sometimes think.

As for me, it's another month in the Penn - but luckily no isolation. Just a regular room where
I am free to come and go as I please (as long as I'm masked up). Horrible hospital food for
four weeks or so. And hopefully an attitude change. I need to get positive and stay positive.

Easier said than done.