Even Superheroes Get the Blues

Maybe it's the fact that we did not get the promised snow.
Or maybe it's a million other things. I know that I am very
nervous for next weeks' chemo treatment. Maybe it's that.

But I'm just having one of those days. I am sorry I did not invite
anyone, but I am having a Pity Party, and there's only room for me.

Sometimes everything just gets to me.

In January, my family and I were hoping to go to Paris for summer
vacation.
Now I'm going to be spending the summer holed up at home recouperating.
I'm going to feel caged.

In January, I was looking through seed catalogs and mentally planning my garden.
Now, I will not be able to go near the soil. No garden. This saddens my soul.

In January, I was looking at cookbooks. Cookbooks make me happy.
Now, I will not be able to prepare my own meals for 100 days after transplant.
I love cooking. I love making meals for my family, even if all they do is complain
about those meals.

In January, I was working a nice, part-time job.
Now, my full time job is just managing my health. Doctor's appointments,
nurses coming to the house. The fatigue alone prevents me from doing very
much during the day. And it will get worse before it gets better.

In January, I had an appointment for a cut and color.
Now, I just bought a backup wig for LBH.

Some of all of this is because I have become a "What-If-er". I lie awake at
night:

What if this next round of chemo makes me sick.
What if I have to stay in the hospital for more than 3 days.
What if I don't get everything I want to get done, done, before going
in for transplant in April.

And the big What-If that is stealing my sleep.

What If all of this does not work.

Most days, I can just work through things and bounce back up.

Just not having one of those days. Maybe a nap will help. Snow sure would
have helped.Snow makes me feel cozy and safe.

I think I will go snuggle with the dog for a bit. He knows how to break up a
Pity Party. I think that will be a good thing.