What do you do when your worst nightmares come true?
How do you cope? How do you cope when you thought you
already went through hell and back only to find yourself in
a scarier place?
It was the gums. Puffed up and sore. For no reason.
Then some bruises.
Cold fear. My mom died from leukemia. Her first symptoms? Puffy gums and bruising.
So I went in to my quarterly oncology appt with a certain amount of trepidation. And
I waited a long time to see the doc. Much longer than usual. And he came in not smiling.
Did not like the look of my bloodwork.
Admitted me. Maybe it was the antibiotic I took a few weeks ago messing with my numbers.
Endured a pile of tests. A lot of docs came in. "We are hoping it's the antibiotics".
Then...
It's not the antibiotics. It's The Other. Not sure which Other yet but looking like
leukemia. It's called Secondary Blood Cancer. Caused by the chemo I got from
beating Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. In other words, this is a cancer that I got from
being saved from the first cancer.
Nightmare flashbacks to my mother's struggles 9 years ago. Flashes of my kids and the Hubs.
But I choose Hope. I am not my mother. I did not live her life. I will not die her death.
I will get through this.I will be like Robin Roberts and survive.
I'll be admitted to University of Pennsylvania on Thursday for a long stay. I had been longing
for a stay at the spa. But not this spa. Not like this.
I hope to blog about my experience. I hope to include you all in my journey.
I choose hope. I have to.
Been thinking about you since we saw Mark today. What a punch to the gut and yet, there you are, again, choosing hope. That's the strength that will get you through. You're a hero, Carin. You're in my prayers every minute of every day... know that there's a strong support network out here for you and the fam. All our love!
ReplyDeleteBarb
Blessed be Carin. I choose hope for you too. We all do. Love to you, and yours.
ReplyDeleteIlene and M2 are in the hope camp. Attitude is everything with your health and you have what it takes to get on the other side of this!
ReplyDeleteDigital hugs to you!
You're a warrior, Carin! All my hope, prayers and love.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Carin. Holding you, Hubs & the kids in the Light for strength, healing & peace ... all in generous doses. - Wendy TBI
ReplyDeleteYour strength is going to help you beat this, Carin. Please keep wtiting, keep sharing. You know so many people are sending hope and love your way
ReplyDeleteWe'll be your cheerleaders, errand runners, babysitters, whatever you need! Perhaps there's a way to turn some of the time at HUP into a spa day. Maybe a gowned up massage therapist, or a beautiful nutritious meal of your choosing. Keeping you in our prayers. Will reach out to ask we can do.
ReplyDeleteYou are not your mother and you have not lived your mother's life....very powerful and true. And your future is unwritten. Your positivity is what will get you through this. I am sad for you this morning but so hopeful for your future. Keep sharing your journey and I will keep rooting you on. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog. Not the gums or bruises or cancer certainly. But your courageous voice, your rejection of our mothers fate as your own, your optimism and your strength. We will be there with equal measures of hope in your swift victory!!!! Love you sister. ❤❤❤❤
ReplyDeleteCarin, you are a hero to so many people...especially to me. I know you will successfully fight this with your deep well of inner strength. And I, the Hubs, along with your incredible posse, will be at your side throughout this journey, providing massive quantities of hope and love to help you win this fight!
ReplyDeleteCarin we are with you and always thinking of you. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Einstein - you are a miracle and you will get through this and we will be with you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, courageous Carin! ❤️
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