I think about my mom every day. Sometimes good thoughts. Sometimes bad.
And a lot of times "No, this can't really be happening" thoughts.
I hate that I have the same
diagnosis as my mother did. There is nothing scarier than seeing my name and
my diagnosis on a piece of paper. My mother's illness and subsequent death were
very traumatizing for both me and my sisters.
However, it is 8 years later, and I have opportunities for a cure that she never had.
There is a profound sense of guilt that goes along with it. I am about to go into the
hospital for a bone marrow transplant, and she never had that opportunity. When I
hear the doctors talk about what they do for patients who have relapsed, I just want
to reach back in time and pull my mother forward and say "Here - you can use those
techniques on her!!".
It is hard to let go of that guilt. It's a funny emotion to have about such a serious illness.
But there it is - a boatload of guilt. I wish that she had a 10/10 donor. I also wish she
handled the chemotherapy better. Because, the truth of it is, she had a tough time with the
initial treatment. And the followup treatment. And because of that, she really was not
a good candidate for a bone marrow transplant even if she had a perfect match.
And there is no reason for me to feel guilty for surviving while she could not survive.
And yet...there it is.
Still, I carry her memory with me every day. I also carry with me her strength. She faced
her illness with fortitude and a fighting spririt, and also a sense of humor. I'm glad I have
that sense of humor as well. It takes the edge off. It helps cope with the reality of this.
I like to think that she had a hand in the fact that I have a perfect match in my sister. Well, yes,
she did - in that she donated her DNA. But I like to envision her as a type of guardian angel.
To make sure I make it through. To make sure my sisters make it through. This is as hard on
them as it is on me. Brings back so many difficult memories. I hope that her comforting arms
are around us all as we enter in this next phase.
Love you Mom!
What a beautiful and courageous post! May you continue to feel the strength and light of your mama angel.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your mom is going to push you all the way through this ordeal. While it may be a similar dx, the outcome is different. You will get through this! Xxxooo
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a poignant tribute to your mom. We are all so grateful for the news about the match and we are hoping that the transplant goes well.
ReplyDeleteLovely post on mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think of her as a guardian angel as well
ReplyDeleteCarin, as sure as we're here interacting with each other, I do believe that you're mom's love & courageous warm spirit that she clearly bestowed upon you, are with you every step of this journey. Sending you love, light & strength!!
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